I may be single, but you're ugly. . .

oI know you're happy in your relationship. I know I'm 32 years old, single, and have not had more than two dates with the same person since. . . well, let's not go there. I know that Charlotte Lucas was forced to marry the dreadful Mr. Collins because she was out of prospects at the ripe old age of 27. And even Elizabeth Bennett told Lady Catherine that she could 'hardly be expected to own her age,' and she was only 20. Really, I get it. I'm old and single. But you "smug marrieds" with your condescending head-patting are getting old.

Recent emailed inquiries, made as conversational as possible to avoid looking like there's a large flaw to be gaped at, but when strung together, they rather make one think there's a conspiracy on the rise.

J: Are you seeing anyone?

L: Just tell me if you're dating someone.

M: So, have you been dating?

B: All right, let's have it. What's the story with your life? Dating?

D: I don't understand why you're single.
[This is code for: what's wrong with you?]

And here's a couple of good conversations:

K: Are you seeing someone?
Me: You mean like dating? No.
K: Is it hard to meet people in Sacramento? [I think she's trying to figure out if she should blame me for my affliction or my geography. Note: she lives here too.] Or are there just a lack of quality people? [Ha!]
Me: I suppose it's a little of both, though I suspect I could be considered among the lack of quality.
K: Eventually someone special will come along and you'll be happy when she does :) Until then, Dozo and Mia are good friends.
Me:

Actually, I did not respond. How the heck do you respond when someone tells you, 'You'll meet someone someday, but at least you have your CATS'??

Here's another:

C: Soooooooo..... dating?
Me: Is that a question?
C: Yeah. Are you dating? Have you found that special girl?
Me: My dating is less of an endurance event, and more of a short-lived sprint of late.
C: Well, you don't need a relationship to make you happy.
Me: Did someone say I did?
C: No. I'm just saying, it doesn't have to define you.
Me: Thanks. 'Night.
[Click]

Okay -- so how the heck does one even respond to these people? I've never really liked that scene in Bridget Jone's diary where the smug marrieds ask the singleton what wrong with the single people and she says it's probably that their bodies are covered with scales. But now I see why she resorted to such a ridiculous response.
These well-meaning people are putting me on the defense for something that they have a hang up about. So when I try to add anything to the conversation, it sounds like I'm over-justifying why I'm single. If you're so bored in your relationship that you need to meddle in my life to add a little zing, then I have a few choice questions for you, you smug married, you.

Just let it go.